Thursday, January 3, 2008

Tonight My Heart is Sad

My heart is breaking tonight. It's amazing this bond we women have who share this terrible commonality of infertility.

Today - several women from a board that I participate on are in pain and facing the greatest disappointment. Three of the women that were in Zlin with me have gotten negative results. One thought she was pregnant but it turned out to be a chemical - her progesterone has steadily been decreasing. Another - was pregnant with twins and one has arrested at 10 1/2 weeks.

I feel their pain. Truly - I feel it in my soul. I've been the one so many times watching everyone else get the good news. The pain of more hope lost. The pain of another dream crushed. The pain of the fear it wil never work for you.

For me - there is certainly a deep sense of guilt. Why did it work for me and not for them? Have I been sensitive enough to quietly and meekly share my good news.

And then there's fear - will the same thing happen to me? Who am I to think that I should be the one to dodge this pain? How do I balance hope and belief and fear and anxiety without my body registering all of this and affecting the bun?

When you read this post - please say a prayer for these women. Pray their hearts will recover from this recent loss. Pray they will find hope again. Pray they are surrounded by people who love them and can carry them through this. Pray they know they are beautiful, strong, admirable women regardless of the outcome of their pregnancy tests. May they know they are held up by strangers - by sisters who may or may not have had a similar experience but grieve with them regardless.

I have never met anyone I admire more than the women that brave this pain over and over and over again for the hope of a dream realized. That, in and of itself, is the very essence of motherhood.


Tracy said...


I've been keeping up on your journey, especially since we are at the onset of a donor egg cycle ourselves.

I am so sorry for your friends. I am so sorry for all the women in the world that are struggling with this challenge. I have said a prayer, and will continue to pray, for all of them.

Your very last line has moved me beyond words and makes me even more determined.

Anonymous said...
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stacyb said...

what a moving post. i am so sorry for your friends -- and i understand the guilt and fear you mention very well.

i have no doubt you will figure out a way to balance these emotions that works for you.

and as tracy wrote, a beautiful and moving last sentence.

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