Sunday, January 13, 2008

Hard Times

I'm going to try and journal my way through this on my blog. If you knew me "in real life" you'd be shocked at how ultra private I am. I don't share much about myself with others. I put on a happy face and do what I have to do. The thought of faking my way through this pain seems unbearable and impossible but I know that I will do it perfectly, as always. I know this forced stoicism makes me come off as cold to people that barely know me but that's the best I can do lately.

That's one of the issues that makes infertility so painful. It's private pain. There may be select people in our lives that know but most of us don't walk around with the infertility badge on our arm. We cry to sleep at night - we excuse ourselves to the restroom when something hits us publicly to gather our composure and we come back out with the pain tucked away in it's place until we're alone again.

This is a private pain because others simply can not understand. They give terrible unsolicited advice. They judge our actions. They don't understand why we can't find the bright side and move on.

Last night was hard. It was a night unlike any my husband and I have had before. We lay in bed and I sobbed. Part physical pain and part heart pain. He held me and for the first time - with a deep sense of sadness and desperation in his voice said "We can't do this again. We can't do this to you again." That's a great husband - because - inside his heart is breaking, too. His dream has been shattered as well. He has shed tears and every one cuts my soul like a knife - I just want to be able to make him happy.

My husband is still holding out hope though. He hasn't said it but I can see it in his eyes. He's still hoping that Monday there will be a miracle and the ultrasound will show a sac with a heartbeat. I know this can not happen. After all that we've been through - the one thing I know for sure is that I am not on God's Miracle List.

14 comments:

Sue said...

I was just catching up on your blog and was heartbroken to read your sad news. I am so very sorry.

Tracy said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry for both of you.

Lea Bee said...

i'm so sorry

justtalkingtome said...

I found you through Drowned Girl on Mel's L&F. I read your story from the beginning today.

I am so sorry you and your husband are experiencing so much pain in your journey. I hope somehow you can find your way to healing.

stacyb said...

i'm so sorry for both of you, truly.

i understand about the privacy -- in some ways it's good because you don't have to answer questions and on the other hand it can be so lonely. i'm glad your husband is able to support and be there for you. please know i send you my support too.

Almamay said...

I'm sorry, I hope you get better news next week.

lori said...

i am so very sorry that you and your husband are going through this. my thoughts are with you...

Journeywoman said...

I'm so sorry.

Trina said...

I am sorry for your loss and I do understand it - you & I share the same journey & sadness. I noticed you live in ATL, if you need someone to talk to - lunch or anything I live in the area and work downtown. Email me.

Carrie said...

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I'm sorry your husband is too. Life is so very unfair.

Thinking of you xx

JJ said...

I am so very sorry...thinking of you.

kristylynne said...

I'm anxiously awaiting your update. Hoping against all odds that the tide has turned for you. Peace be with you.

ChelleBez said...

Blythe I am so sorry for you. I am ready to cry. I am just praying that things will work out for you. No one deserves to go through that kind of pain. Fertility treatments are the worst, and I wish that those of us who desired so much to be parents never had to go through them. It all just seems so unfair and unjust. Why can't we have the one thing we want most? It seems that no matter how hard you try to reconcile yourself to facts, you still hold out hope.

I hope and pray that everything is okay. I have been thinking about you over the past few days and hoping for you. I will continue to hold out hope. Please know that this stranger is praying for you.

Hugs,
Michelle

Bea said...

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Bea