Saturday, January 12, 2008

There's No Happy Ending for Me

Yesterday I had my first ultrasound and the tech could not find a sac. A couple of things are possible - either it arrested a week ago or I have an ectopic - though an ectopic seems most likely. I go back Monday for another appointment and we will likely stop the drugs.

I'm just so broken right now. Absolutley broken. All I can do is cry. Why can this not just happen for me? I can't imagine doing this again at this point. I'm so very exhausted from all of this.

There was a point before we decided on donor egg that I knew I would be ok without bearing children. I've always wanted to adopt and I would have been satisfied with that. But now - after knowing there was a life growing inside of me I don't know how to reconcile this. I was ok before. This is just so cruel.

I believe there is a loving God that will one day help me understand all of this but right now I have to wonder where he is. Why I can't be blessed with a child - when it's the only desire in my heart. I've always said that I know I can't be the person God wants me to be without having gone through this - but I'm afraid I won't be much of anything but a broken, sad, bitter woman when all of this is said and done.

I just don't know how to be ok this time......

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

So sorry to hear this news. Will be keeping you in my prayers.
J (found your blog through L & F)

orodemniades said...

Oh, I too am so sorry to hear this news.

Karen said...

I'm so sorry. I wish this wasn't happening to you. I don't have the words to make it any better, but please know you're in my thoughts.

Drowned Girl said...

I'm so sorry. After all you have been through already to get this far, it's just so unfair.

Tracy said...

I'm so, so sorry. It's okay to not be okay right now. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

midlife mommy said...

I am so very, very sorry.

megan said...

i'm so, so sorry.