Thursday, October 18, 2007

It's Not All About Me

It's so easy to get caught up in infertility and forget that we (the women) are not the only ones that hurt through this. I tend to be slightly introverted and work through my issues internally. I don't talk through my emotions with others - I have to be inside my own head and work it out.

There are times through this infertility journey that I get caught up in myself. I forget the outside world. I forget to think about maintaining relationships with my friends and family because I'm hurting. I don't want to be around people when I'm hurting. I'm focused on just waking up, convincing myself I can make it through another day - talking myself through the emotions that come along with the sight of a new mom walking with her baby or telling people that i do not have children when they ask. Preventing these daily mini-breakdowns is quite taxing.

My friendships have certainly suffered as a result of this self-focus. I don't have anything left to give another person after I'm done taking care of my fragile self. I'm just mentally exhausted all of the time.

The worst, though - is how I've neglected to consider the depth of my husband's pain. I know that he hurts. I see it in his eyes and it moves me like nothing else. The pain in his eyes is what propels me forward on the donor egg issue. the problem is - this isn't a daily consideration for me. My own pain is certainly something that runs through my mind at least once daily but I only think about his when it's visible - which is not often.

Sure - I consider my husband's feeling the same way others going through infertility have - can he still love me if I can't have children? Is it fair that he won't have children because my body is broken? But - that's really about me isn't it? About my fears and my hurt.

I imagine what it will be like if we come back form the Czech Republic and find out we are not pregnant. That cuts me to the core. And for the first time - it's not as much my pain as it is the pain I imagine he will feel. I think, at this point, I'm a little resigned. I want a baby more than anything but I'm open to adoption if donor egg doesn't work. He isn't there yet and I"m not sure he ever will be. The pain he will feel will be intense and heart-breaking.

I hope when we are on the other side of the dark dark road - he will know that I love him and thank him for being with me through this. I hope I will have been a noble wife and considered his needs and emotions daily. I hope that this can stregthen us rather than pull us farther and farther apart the way infertility does so many couples.

My prayer is that God shows me my husband as He sees him - pain, worries and all so that I can love him through this. He's certainly done his share of loving me when I don't deserve it or return it. I want my heart to feel the burden that his carries so that I never forget it really isn't all about me.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Replacement Found!

I know calling our donor 'My Replacement' is cynical and a little crass but I'm ok with that......

Today, it's official! We actually have My Replacement and things are moving along. I thought I would be happier than I am. In fact - I've been thinking that this news would be the thing that finally moved me to excited. I'm happy but cautious - and unusually cynical.

We did find a great match, though. She matches my blood type, she's 5'10, blonde hair and green eyes with a degree. The doctor says she is very attractive but I'm assuming they tell everyone that.

I'm more concerned with the fact that I can not see a picture than I thought I would be. In the Czech Republic, all donors must remain anonymous and that prevents the doctor's from showing the donor's photo. I'm comparing this to adoption to feel better about it. If I were adopting I wouldn't know anything about the birth mother.....

That's the down-side to going abroad for donor egg. The information you get about your donor is not as comprehensive and detailed as I would have gotten with my clinic here. Is that information worth $20,000. What a price tag for a photo and a list of hobbies, huh?

So - all in all I suppose I am happy that we have moved onto the next phase. I've never been this cynical before - normally I'm fussing at my husband for being that person. Maybe it's not as much cynicism as it is self-protection........

Monday, October 8, 2007

Destructive Feminism

I've been hearing that Oprah is getting ready to do a show on "wombs for rent" with a focus on IF treatments abroad. This absolutely infuriates me. I can't even begin to describe the anger that flows through me at hearing this. It's as if women who work so hard to have children simply aren't as sophisticated as those women who choose not to have children. Why don't we understand that we have been given such incredible freedom to be strong, independent women by not having children? Why aren't we more evolved?

There's always a line in feminism where if it's crossed the philosophy is no longer a tool for empowerment but rather an instrument of destruction. This is a perfect example of destructive feminism.

If we had cancer and were going abroad for treatment the tone of this topic would be "these poor women who've been forced by our health care system to seek treatment outside of the US for the chance of survival". Instead it's - "these pathetic desperate women who will stop at nothing to fulfill their insane desire to be mothers".

I removed Oprah from my TIVO list last week after watching the pathetic interview she did with Michael Moore (no political flames, please....) so I can't even delete her from my list in defiance of this latest attempt at "journalism".

My hope is that she does treat this topic fairly - though I have little faith she will actually do that. Maybe - one day - we can stop judging each other for the decisions we make and simply empathise with our sisters - and find the tie that binds us together and celebrate that rather than participate in destructive fodder that weakens the souls of other women.