Thursday, October 18, 2007

It's Not All About Me

It's so easy to get caught up in infertility and forget that we (the women) are not the only ones that hurt through this. I tend to be slightly introverted and work through my issues internally. I don't talk through my emotions with others - I have to be inside my own head and work it out.

There are times through this infertility journey that I get caught up in myself. I forget the outside world. I forget to think about maintaining relationships with my friends and family because I'm hurting. I don't want to be around people when I'm hurting. I'm focused on just waking up, convincing myself I can make it through another day - talking myself through the emotions that come along with the sight of a new mom walking with her baby or telling people that i do not have children when they ask. Preventing these daily mini-breakdowns is quite taxing.

My friendships have certainly suffered as a result of this self-focus. I don't have anything left to give another person after I'm done taking care of my fragile self. I'm just mentally exhausted all of the time.

The worst, though - is how I've neglected to consider the depth of my husband's pain. I know that he hurts. I see it in his eyes and it moves me like nothing else. The pain in his eyes is what propels me forward on the donor egg issue. the problem is - this isn't a daily consideration for me. My own pain is certainly something that runs through my mind at least once daily but I only think about his when it's visible - which is not often.

Sure - I consider my husband's feeling the same way others going through infertility have - can he still love me if I can't have children? Is it fair that he won't have children because my body is broken? But - that's really about me isn't it? About my fears and my hurt.

I imagine what it will be like if we come back form the Czech Republic and find out we are not pregnant. That cuts me to the core. And for the first time - it's not as much my pain as it is the pain I imagine he will feel. I think, at this point, I'm a little resigned. I want a baby more than anything but I'm open to adoption if donor egg doesn't work. He isn't there yet and I"m not sure he ever will be. The pain he will feel will be intense and heart-breaking.

I hope when we are on the other side of the dark dark road - he will know that I love him and thank him for being with me through this. I hope I will have been a noble wife and considered his needs and emotions daily. I hope that this can stregthen us rather than pull us farther and farther apart the way infertility does so many couples.

My prayer is that God shows me my husband as He sees him - pain, worries and all so that I can love him through this. He's certainly done his share of loving me when I don't deserve it or return it. I want my heart to feel the burden that his carries so that I never forget it really isn't all about me.

7 comments:

stacyb said...

Infertility is painful. I’m like you in that I keep things to myself. It took me a year before I told my best friend in the world that anything was wrong (I’d already had two miscarriages by then), our IVF journey has been equally private. Sometimes that’s been good because no one asks you how it’s going and other times it’s been unbearably lonely, exhausting and hard because know one asks you how it’s going.

To me the fact that you are recognizing all these things about yourself and your husband shows a deep empathy and understanding for what he is going through. The thing that keeps us strong through infertility is sharing our pain (it’s too much for one person). If that other person is your husband, a blog, or everyone you know…whatever the scenario it’s important to get the feeling out.

You write about your husband in such a kind and caring way that I’m sure he knows how much you love him…reading your blog today I certainly know.

kristylynne said...

What a sweet post. Your hubby is lucky to have you. I think men find it harder to express their emotions about infertility, at least my husband did. I think he felt he had to be strong for me because I was such a wreck. It also took him longer to come around to the idea of ART and DE. He wanted to exhaust all options, methodically, one at a time.

Infertility is by far the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life. In the end, I think my marriage is stronger for it. Hang in there - together.

Kami said...

This is a very sweet post. I find I have done the same thing - been wrapped up in my own pain and have forgotten there are two of us hurting.

I hope you are successful with the DE.

Bea said...

It's so easy to forget the others. Not forget, exactly - just not have room to deal with that on top of your own stuff.

Good choice of post for CDLC. Love to you both.

Bea

andrea_jennine said...

What a thoughtful post.

Kathy V said...

I came via the creme. Thanks for this post. It was so insightful. It made me remember that I am not in this alone and I shouldn't try to think about it and work it all out on my own. My husband is in this journey with me. Thanks again.

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