It's so easy to get caught up in infertility and forget that we (the women) are not the only ones that hurt through this. I tend to be slightly introverted and work through my issues internally. I don't talk through my emotions with others - I have to be inside my own head and work it out.
There are times through this infertility journey that I get caught up in myself. I forget the outside world. I forget to think about maintaining relationships with my friends and family because I'm hurting. I don't want to be around people when I'm hurting. I'm focused on just waking up, convincing myself I can make it through another day - talking myself through the emotions that come along with the sight of a new mom walking with her baby or telling people that i do not have children when they ask. Preventing these daily mini-breakdowns is quite taxing.
My friendships have certainly suffered as a result of this self-focus. I don't have anything left to give another person after I'm done taking care of my fragile self. I'm just mentally exhausted all of the time.
The worst, though - is how I've neglected to consider the depth of my husband's pain. I know that he hurts. I see it in his eyes and it moves me like nothing else. The pain in his eyes is what propels me forward on the donor egg issue. the problem is - this isn't a daily consideration for me. My own pain is certainly something that runs through my mind at least once daily but I only think about his when it's visible - which is not often.
Sure - I consider my husband's feeling the same way others going through infertility have - can he still love me if I can't have children? Is it fair that he won't have children because my body is broken? But - that's really about me isn't it? About my fears and my hurt.
I imagine what it will be like if we come back form the Czech Republic and find out we are not pregnant. That cuts me to the core. And for the first time - it's not as much my pain as it is the pain I imagine he will feel. I think, at this point, I'm a little resigned. I want a baby more than anything but I'm open to adoption if donor egg doesn't work. He isn't there yet and I"m not sure he ever will be. The pain he will feel will be intense and heart-breaking.
I hope when we are on the other side of the dark dark road - he will know that I love him and thank him for being with me through this. I hope I will have been a noble wife and considered his needs and emotions daily. I hope that this can stregthen us rather than pull us farther and farther apart the way infertility does so many couples.
My prayer is that God shows me my husband as He sees him - pain, worries and all so that I can love him through this. He's certainly done his share of loving me when I don't deserve it or return it. I want my heart to feel the burden that his carries so that I never forget it really isn't all about me.