Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Bitch is Back

Too much info here but hey - if I'm being open I mgiht as well be open, right?

I got my bleed today. I was shocked at how heavy this was and also shocked that it came so quickly since my progesterone has been so high. I didn't have any bleeding through the miscarriage though and I've been really sick - so I think my body just needed to "cleanse".

This brought a new wave of emotion. It felt a bit like the gavel slamming down with the verdict of my miscarriage. I keep looking at the clots to see if I can see "it". I know this entirely irrational - entirely - but I do it anyway. (I also know that sounds disgusting - but I'm being open, remember?) Of course - every clot is "it" and I cry for 5 minutes and then talk myself off of the ledge.

I do feel so terrible. The Bitch (I am fond of the word Bitch - it's my own personal pet name - silly bitch - but AF is The Bitch) was rearing her head last night and I totally didn't get it. I was plain wicked to my husband. And I do mean wicked - just ask him. Poor guy. He can't possibly understand how The Bitch possessed me without my knowledge and caused me to be evil. I defintely owe him some sweetness.

Of course - it's hard to conjure up sweetness when I've been in sweats sitting in the exact same spot on my couch for the past 3 days. I've done confernece calls, written pages and pages of worthless crap, argued with politicians and pundits and caused my dog to apparently have grave concern for me as she hasn't left my side - not even for my ritual bi-hourly trip to the potty.

I thought I might try to cook dinner tonight - but that can wait for tomorrow. My goal tomorrow - change into new sweats and actually make something for dinner - I can only feed my husband canned soup and sandwiches so many nights....

I know this will get better....


Kami said...

Miscarriage is a bitch. Don't be too hard on yourself - and maybe a little easier on your husband too. It will get better, but it is so hard right now.

ChelleBez said...

Take your time and be as bitchy as you need. This is your time to grieve and you are entitled to it. I don't think there is one woman who has been through the same thing as you who would fault you for feeling the way you do. Its got to be uphill from here.

kristylynne said...

If I could, I would join you on your couch in my own sweats, bearing the ritual container of Ben & Jerry's and two spoons. I am so sorry you are going through this. Stay on the couch as long as you need to. You'll be in my thoughts.

Karen said...

Spend more time on the couch if you need it. And how about ordering out? Chinese is way better than sandwiches and canned soup. I wish this hadn't happened to you. My thoughts are with you. (((HUGS)))

InfertileMyrtle said...

I am so sorry. There was a time when I was still trying to conceive naturally I would have actually wanted a miscarriage, just to know I CAN get pregnant.
As I now begin doing my treatment, I see how foolish I was.
I am so so sorry you are going through this. I feel so horrible for you, and I am thinking of you and praying for you all.

kristylynne said...

Were did you go? Hope that you are OK.

Gabrielle Madsen said...

Sadly, I know how gut wrenching your pain the end of the day there are never the words, never any words....I can tell you only what brought me back from hell...'if he has brought you to it, he will lead you through it'. god only knows where faith comes from in the face of infertility and everything surrounding it, but somehow it's just there...perhaps in the pool of tears.


Anonymous said...

i just wanted to check in to see how you were doing. I am from the zlin board and a future client. I want you to know that all your comments have been looked into and the clinic is having amazing pregnancy rates since January. I think the assembly line and one size fits all is done. Also, Dr Anna is only seeing USA pts. I am sorry Dec was so disasterous for you and others. Many of those that had bad cycles in Oct, Nov and Dec are returning and I hope they find their babies this time. I hope you heal well and find yourself trying again if in Zlin or somewhere else.

Anonymous said...

Hello to all ,
I am from Australia and I have recently returned from Zlin where I did a donor cycle.
I have read your posts and I have to say they are kind of old and I would like to share my experience with you because I think a lot of things have changed since than.
First of all, if you want to have a treatment at CRMG in Zlin you do not have to go through IVF vacation anymore. You can contact the clinic directly at Their coordinator Ivona can send you comprehensive information about the whole treatment and offer you treatment within 8 weeks.
Everybody at the clinic was great. Ivona was really good at replying to e-mails & answering my questions in the weeks leading to the trip and at the clinic as well. The Drs. were great, the embryologist very nice.
We stayed at the new hotel at the clinic Hotel Tomasov. I have to say it was lovely, very modern and sleek. You also have the added bonus of being wheeled straight back to your bed after embryotransfer.

I would recomend the clinic in Zlin to everybody!