We Have a Bun!

My beta was scheudled for yesterday. I've never wanted to do anything less in my life. I was so incredibly anxious. Afterall, if I don't know at least I can pretend, right? I wanted to pretend awhile longer. I did decide that if I was going to get another negative - I could at least control the circumstances under which I learned the news. I wanted to know before the phone call. I couldn't bear to hear "I'm so sorry...." one more time. So - I used a home pregnancy test.

Just before I left for my appointment I ran in my bathroom, avoiding my sweet and nervous husband as to avoid him finding out and peed on that dreaded stick. The urine moved along the results window as always but the negative line didn't show quite as fast as usual. It took it's time. It did apprear though and I closed my eyes and silently sobbed, resigned to yet another negative test. I half-opened my eyes - looked at the stick and there it was. That elusive second line. It wasn't even a faint second line. A dark second line. All of sudden I was ready for my blood test!

I went to the doctor cautiously excited and the nurse took my blood. She then told me that their office doesn't process bloodwork same-day so I owuld have to wait until today to hear the news.

This morning, I got the call. The nurse said my numbers look great. She said "You are deinfetely p-------". My HcG was 133 and my Progesterone was 77 yesterday. Of course - then I immediately started worrying that my beta was low but it looks like it's perfectly average for 10 days post a 5 day transfer.

I'm very happy. More than happy, though I am cautious. I have more bloodwork scheduled for Monday to see of the numbers are doubling the way they should. Of course - I won't hear any news until Wednesday, then.

But - for the time being I am truly trying to be positive and confident. I can not bring myself to use the "p" word or the "b" word that ends with a "y". So - my husband and I have decided we will refer to our curreent state as "bun" success. Project Baby 2007 has ened with a bun in the oven! Let's hope it continues to rise!

A Cheerful Rant from a Sleepless Bitch

For the 3rd night in a row I'm awake at some cruel hour. The first 3:00am. The second, 2:30am. This morning, 4:00am. I know it's just my body getting adjusted back to being in the US but really? One good night's sleep would really do me well.

Of course, nothing productive is accomplished during my sleepless hours other than self-analysis of the likely hood of pregnancy and mental torture.

My body is responding so differently to this cycle and in ways that don't give me confidence that I may end up with a positive. It took a few days for me to feel the progesterone and then it hit hard. But - now - again I don't feel it. I'm in a better mood (with no sleep and all of these hormones) than I have been in a long time. Yesterday I was downright cheerful and energetic. Ha - I haven't felt like that in quite some time. I shouldn't feel like that now. I should be sleeping standing up; I should be bitchy and downright unpleasant; I should be crying at the drop of a hat (ok - so I do cry at the drop of something more along the lines of a petite person wearing a hat....). What I should not be is energetic, happy, cheerful, and "glowing". Someone actually told me yesterday I was glowing. How could they possibly see a glow behind the two giant zits that were left over from 1991 that decided to finally come out of hiding. Besides - that word alone is cruel. If only she knew what she had done to me when she said that.

My mind: "Glowing - did she really just say glowing? Glowing?? Could it be....? Good Grief woman stop reading into everything - Yeah - but she Did use the word glowing. Has anyone Ever told you you Glow? Of course not, silly bitch. You're not the glowing type. Oh my God.......I really am not pregnant am I? This is one of those signs that I think is a sign that turns out to be a cruel twist of fate that God gets to laugh at....Would God ever really laugh at me? Of course he ...... she said I was Glowing!"

Take this scenario and apply multiple situations and this is a typical display of recent self-talk.

I don't have tiredness, I don't have sudden-bitch-from all the hormonesiness but I do have cramping. and lots of it. But - cramping without any spotting does not feel like implantation......

Ugggghh - could I seriously have just gone through all of this just to get another negative result? The lack of symptoms could actually be a good thing though - maybe I will be one of those women who sail through the first tri-mester that every other pregnant woman hates.... I mean - I've at least earned an easy pregnancy - right? Ha - wouldn't that be a hoot? Glowing in front of all my friends that get pregnant the first time they decide to "try" and are puking their guts out for the first 3 months? God I really am a cruel bitch - but c'mon... "Turnabout is fair play" right?

Ahem....I did just say I was cheerful right?

Good Morning, Progesterone

I take my words back - I feel it. I definitely feel it now. It is here and it is kicking my ass. All that progesterone finally hit me - like one of those cartoon characters strolling along whistling without a care in the world when suddenly a piano falls fron a window and leaves them splattered on the pavement. 3 am - Good Morning, progesterone - thanks for stopping by.

Home Sweet Home...

We are back home. We got in around mid-night last night. It was a really long travel day.

So - our transfer was Monday. Everything went well. We did end up transferring 3 embryos. One was a grade 2 but 2 were Grade 1. One of those was an advanced blastocyst and the other was an early blast. The embryologist said the early stage blast would probably be caught up within a few hours. We struggled with how many to transfer as the grade 2 was fragmented but our RE said they are self-healing and it may be fine.

We are officially in that hell called the 2 week wait. Our schedule wasn't exactly as I had hoped as our donor needed an extra day of stim. We had to drive back to Prague right after the transfer and then flew yesterday (day after transfer). The interstate between Zlin and Prague are not the greatest - they are very bumpy. Imagine driving over those little raised lines in the road you hit before stop signs --- that's what the drive was like for about 2 of the 4 hours. I joked with my husband that they either attached to the lining just to end the tumbling effect or they bounced right out of me. He assured me that they couldn't bounce out.....

I felt alot of "twinges" yesterday. I guess that could be from a lot of things but I like to think it's those little embies snuggling in. :-)

I'm constantly worried about my progesterone levels - I am taking in an insane amount of progesterone but don't feel tired or sick which worries me. Progesterone normally hits me pretty hard but I just don't feel anything this time. I'm doing 3 100mg pills a day, one 2cc injection in the morning and a vaginal suppository in the evening. I should feel sick or tired from all of that shouldn't I?

I just scheduled my BETA with my OBGYN for the 27th. 14 days post transfer is New Years Eve - I would rather not hear bad news on New Years Eve - at least if it's bad I will have a couple of days to recover before I write off 2008.... BUT - hoping and praying for good news.

Honestly - I can't even bear to think about the beta. I just don't want that phone call again. I almost don't even want to take the test and just see what happens naturally. The thought of that pain again is just unbearable. Of course that doesn't make much sense and I will take the test but - for the record - I really don't want to.

Fertilization Report

We got the call with our fertilization report this morning as we were taking pictures in front of the Imperial Palace in Vienna. 14 of the 25 fertilized so we are scheduled for a day 5 transfer on Monday! My husabnd took the call. I was literally jumping up and down on the street when he told e the news. I'm so very please so far. I'm feeling very positive and hopeful. Now we're just praying for several perfect blastocysts to transfer Monday.

We've been dicussing today whether we should transfer 2 or 3, god-willing 3 make it that far. I think we've agreed to transfer 3. I know there are potential problems with Triplets but I also know of several women that have trasnferred 3 and only had a singleton. I would hate to miss that one. I would love love love twins, as most of use would, I'm sure. Still need to do lots of thinking about this but 3 is in my mind right now.

Now - Vienna. Ahhh, Vienna...... This is, without a doubt, the mosdt romantic city I've ever visited. It's absolutley beautiful with tons of culture and history and the right amount of sophistication. It's just lovley. We have had the best time here. We are planning to extend our trip by a day and stay longer. There's so much to see and take in. I'm just having the best time with my wonderful husband in this dreamy setting.

I'm praying for all 14 of those little embryos!

Retrieval Update

Today has been such a great day.

Our appointment was at 8:20 this morning. My husband did his part (with a little help from me... :->). Hoping his boys perform well now. It was so funny. The happy room is this little closet in the main lobby. Of course, everyone else is there doing the same thing but the lobby was standing room only and when we walked out it was a bit embarrassing knowing that everyone looking at us knew what we had just done.

We decided to drive to Vienna today. Zlin is a small town with no tourist value and I was going crazy there. So - we got in the car and drove to Austria. Beautiful drive. Austria ia stunning.

On the way to Austria we got a call from the clinic with the results of the retieval. Our donor was so amazing and gave us 25 eggs! We are just praying for quality and several to make it to blastocysts, now for a 5 day transfer.

So - back to Vienna - beautiful city. the Christmas Markets here are even more wonderful than the ones in Prague. Vienna is my kind of city. I could so easily live here. Absolutley love it. we are thinking of skipping Cesky Krumlov to spens a couple of extra days here.

We will get our fertiliation report tomorrow and should know if we will be doing a day 3 or day 5 transfer.

Mentally and Physically I am in such a great place. I can't imagine being in a better state for transfer. I will say - there are several downsides to this IVF abroad deal, which I will post about once home and settled because I do want to be very honest about this experience but the vacaiton part of it truly does help this go more smoothly. I'm not obsessed and stressed like I always am during a cycle. It's been fantastic so far.

Will post again tomorrow once we have an update.

Thanks so much for all of the well wishes - they mean so much!

Update from Zlin - First Appointment

We had our first appointment this morning. It went well.

Lining was 9.1 with Triple stripe. It sounds like our donor is progressing well, also.

Retrieval is scheduled for tomorrow and DH will have his time in the happy room. We haven't decided if we are driving to Cesky Krumlov or Vienna yet but we leaving for somewhere tomorrow after his deposit. :-)

We are heading out to check out the town and maybe buy some shoes from Bata. :-)

Finally in Zlin

Helloe from Zlin! My husband and I arrived in Zlin, Czech Republic late this afternoon. We spent the past 4 days in Prague and had an unbelievable time. For those of you plannig on travelling to Zlin I would highly recommend spending a couple of days In Prague ,or Budapest or Vienna before heding to Zlin just vacationing. I'm so relaxed and feel better than I have before starting any of my previous cycles and that's all because we've done nothing but enjoy ourselves and time with each other in such a beautiful city.



The drive from Prague to Zlin was easy and enjoyable for each of us. We did not rent the car until today - public transportation is a breeze in Prague. We stayed at the Courtyard Marriott in Flora - about 5 miles from the city center. Buses 22 and 23 in Prague take you to all of the tourist attractions. You can buy a transit ticket for 80 Kc a day and it's good for bus/tram and train.



On the second day in Prague - my husband and I were trying to get somehwere on the tram and didn't realize we had ridden it to the last stop. suddenly we found ourselves trapped on the tram. We literally could not get out. We had to sit there for 30 minutes while the driver took his break. It was pretty funy - especilly as the passer-by locals laughed at us without shame. It was a great reprive for our tired feet, at least.



Last night - we ate our way throguh Prague. The Christmas marketes were fantastic and there were lots of street vendors with food. We started with a crepe with nutella and banana, DH had a huge piece of fresh cooked Ham, then we had potato pancakes, roasted corn, trdllo (a pretzel-like pastry rolled in the shape of a barrell covered with sugar and nuts). Needless to say - we rolled our stuffed selves back to the hotel..



The Rick Steve's book for Eastern Europe is highly recommended. He gives such great details. A must-have. One thing to be aware of - they charge for everything. The first night we had dinner, we got the blll and there was a line item we didn't understand. When I asked what it was he said Bread. They brought a basket of bread and butter to the table before dinner (we didn't ask for it - assummed was customary) and then charged us 60 Kc' s for it. The next night we were charged 60Kc for there being salt, peppr, ketcup and mustard on the table. Just be prepared for the extra charges - I was a bit surpriseed by them.



We visited the Jewish Quarter yesterday - the Pinkas Synagouge ws pretty moving - the names of nearly 80,000 jews killed in Auswitz are listed on the wall. Defintely something worth your time.



My first appointment is tomorrow at the clinic. It was movd back a day. I was told Dr. Anna was going to be out of town but found out that wasn't the case they just have more patients than they've ever had at any one time right now. I'm hoping this doesn't move everything out by a day as our return flight was cutting it close already. I



I can barely keep my eyes open as I type this. Hope all is well with everyone !

It's Here!

Hope has arrived in all her tragic and beautiful glory. I awoke this morning to the thought of how wonderful it would be to be pregnant after this donor cycle. My heart fluttered and I smiled to those sweet thoughts -imagining me with a baby growing inside of me. Then that cautious bitch Reality showed up waving her wand of self-protective doom and gloom and - of all things - I tossed her aside and introduced myself to Hope. It's been quite awhile - she'd likely forgotten me.

I actually feel about ten pounds lighter this morning. It's taken so much energy to stay guarded and closed off to hope. I hadn't realized that until this morning.

Yesterday we received an update on our donor. She is progressing very welll. She already has 10 follicles and still has about a week left. I never had more than 6 follicles on the day of retrieval - she wins! That news had a tremendous impact on me. For the first time I felt like I could let go a litle bit and just be happy and hopeful.

We leave this afternoon! I'm excited about the vacation. we have a 7 hour lay-over in Paris. I can't wait to see Paris decorated for Christmas. What a dreamy city. I couldn't think of a better way to start this trip than a day with my love in Paris at Christmas. Perfection.

We arrive in Prague tomorrow evening at 7:00. We are staying in Prague 4 days and head to Zlin on December 10th. We've decided to rent a car when we leave Prague. I've heard that Zlin can make you feel a little trapped if you don't have the freedom to tour with a car. We will travel in between our dates at the clinic to Cesky Krumlov and Vienna.

My first appointment is on the 11th for my ultrasound. It was supposed to be on the 19th but that was changed yesterday. My husband has his time in the happy closet and leaves his deposit on the day of retrieval, which will either be the 11th or 12th. Then we just wait for fertilization and pray for a 5 day transfer.

I can't believe we leave today! I havne't gotten any sleep as I've had so much work to get done before leaving so I"m hoping to sleep the flight over. That will be a small miracle. I travel to India several times a year and don't sleep a wink on a 20 hour flight. If I actually fall asleep on this flight - all will be well and that will be my sign that miracles really do happen!