Saturday, December 22, 2007

A Cheerful Rant from a Sleepless Bitch

For the 3rd night in a row I'm awake at some cruel hour. The first 3:00am. The second, 2:30am. This morning, 4:00am. I know it's just my body getting adjusted back to being in the US but really? One good night's sleep would really do me well.

Of course, nothing productive is accomplished during my sleepless hours other than self-analysis of the likely hood of pregnancy and mental torture.

My body is responding so differently to this cycle and in ways that don't give me confidence that I may end up with a positive. It took a few days for me to feel the progesterone and then it hit hard. But - now - again I don't feel it. I'm in a better mood (with no sleep and all of these hormones) than I have been in a long time. Yesterday I was downright cheerful and energetic. Ha - I haven't felt like that in quite some time. I shouldn't feel like that now. I should be sleeping standing up; I should be bitchy and downright unpleasant; I should be crying at the drop of a hat (ok - so I do cry at the drop of something more along the lines of a petite person wearing a hat....). What I should not be is energetic, happy, cheerful, and "glowing". Someone actually told me yesterday I was glowing. How could they possibly see a glow behind the two giant zits that were left over from 1991 that decided to finally come out of hiding. Besides - that word alone is cruel. If only she knew what she had done to me when she said that.

My mind: "Glowing - did she really just say glowing? Glowing?? Could it be....? Good Grief woman stop reading into everything - Yeah - but she Did use the word glowing. Has anyone Ever told you you Glow? Of course not, silly bitch. You're not the glowing type. Oh my God.......I really am not pregnant am I? This is one of those signs that I think is a sign that turns out to be a cruel twist of fate that God gets to laugh at....Would God ever really laugh at me? Of course he ...... she said I was Glowing!"

Take this scenario and apply multiple situations and this is a typical display of recent self-talk.

I don't have tiredness, I don't have sudden-bitch-from all the hormonesiness but I do have cramping. and lots of it. But - cramping without any spotting does not feel like implantation......

Ugggghh - could I seriously have just gone through all of this just to get another negative result? The lack of symptoms could actually be a good thing though - maybe I will be one of those women who sail through the first tri-mester that every other pregnant woman hates.... I mean - I've at least earned an easy pregnancy - right? Ha - wouldn't that be a hoot? Glowing in front of all my friends that get pregnant the first time they decide to "try" and are puking their guts out for the first 3 months? God I really am a cruel bitch - but c'mon... "Turnabout is fair play" right?

Ahem....I did just say I was cheerful right?


Kami said...

Hang in there! You just never know. My only BFN after an IVF (the rest were chemical or early m/c) happened on a cycle where I was absolutely sure I was pregnant!

When is the beta? When is the first hpt?

Good luck!

midlife mommy said...

Positive thoughts coming your way. Good luck on the 27th!

wifethereof said...

You never know. I'm 10 wks pg from a DE cycle and I had lots of cramping but no spotting. So that implantation could be taking place!

ChelleBez said...

Those thoughts are so familiar. I hate how you end up turning everything over in your head like that. I've been there, and done that. In fact, I'm going through it now. You try not to get your hopes up, but you do. Then you try to find everything that is different this month from last month, and you go through it over and over.... Infertility treatments are cruel. They really are. Thank God we haven't done hormone treatments since September, but I can completely sympathise with you and what you're going through. Best wishes!