Choosing My Replacement

Tonight I finally sat down to complete our Donor profile for the Doctors in Zlin, Czech Republic. I've been putting this off and hadn't really stopped to examine my reason for doing so. As I sat here, tonight, however, outlining the characteristics I require of my donor I understand. I'm choosing my replacement.

I've fully accepted that Donor Egg is the route we should pursue as it is the only route that allows my husband to fulfill his deep need for a genetic link and it satisfies my desires to be pregnant and bond with my child for 9 months before actual birth. But - I am trying to find another me somewhere in the Czech Republic and that realization just drives the stake further into the coffin that holds my hope of genetic children.

Blood type match is of ultimate importance to me as I'm not decided that I will ever disclose this to our children. There are may debates and arguments on both sides - more on the side of full disclosure it seems but I'm not ready to embrace that yet. And - in all fairness - I don't think I have to be at the moment.

The second item on my list is no family history of mental illness. I chose to put this above education. One of my greatest secret fears is that we will have gone through all of this pain to find an entire lifetime of struggle with mental illness. I'm not sure why this scares me so but it does. It's the one thing that keeps me awake at night when I think of this entire process.

Education, of course, was next. A college graduate or current student is our requirement. Further - I would prefer her major course of study be in the arts as that was and is my focus. My husband is a scientist and it's very important to me that our children represent the balance that our partnering would bring to our own children. So - I actually specified on my profile that our donor could not have a degree in or be majoring in engineering or other sciences. I wonder if I am the only person that's ever had that request. I imagine the doctor reading that and thinking what a weirdo I must be. I think that also bothers my husband a little bit but to choose someone otherwise would be adding something that's foreign to me to the equation. Further - back to the mental illness fear - they say that scientists and engineers have a much higher risk of having autistic children.

Finally I requested a donor that is artistic - enjoys reading, painting and/or music - the later of which is of utmost importance to me. Again - my understudy should be as close to the original cast as possible, no?

All of this made me a little sad. I've grieved and resolved this loss as best I know how but it's just another layer of reality. My prayer is that nurture really does play more of a part than nature. And - that as I carry a baby form foreign DNA that I can bond and love it so that when it is finally born I won't even care.

Of course - this is all based on a lot of assumptions - I suppose the first step is actually pressing the send button and finalizing this first step.