Thursday, September 13, 2007

The Danger of Hope

Hope is an essential emotion. Hope has saved lives and gotten people through unimaginable circumstances. Many holocaust victims credit this single emotion with allowing them to survive impossible conditions - the hope of the life they once knew or the hope of seeing their family again. Hope is the fuel that drives the most successful of people - the hope of financial freedom or the hope of creating a legacy. Hope is the hand that pulls children out of the inner cities and into the great colleges of our country - the hope of a better life.

For me - Hope has been the salt in the infertility wound. With every cycle comes the hope that this is it. That this is the cycle that will get me pregnant. Of course - with every negative test result - the loss of that hope is the source of the deepest pain. I wish someone had told me when I started IVF that I should check hope at my doctor's door.

As we begin to make plans for our donor egg cycle fear is the predominant emotion. Not the hope that was always there before. I fear the potential of more wasted money. I fear the fact that I may not get pregnant. I fear the doctor's will not be completely be honest with me about my donor. I fear if this doesn't work my husband will not be able to love me anymore. But - most of all I fear the unexpected visit of hope. I've tried to hide from it. I've tried to lock my heart so tight that it can't get in but it is creeping in and that makes me feel panicked.

Panicked because I don't know how much disappointment I can handle. Because I think at some point I will be so lost that there's nothing left of the woman my husband fell in love with. Panicked because I don't know who I will be if I am not a mother. And panicked because I'm afraid the God I thought was always there has forgotten about me - just like Celie in The Color Purple - "Dear God, I've always tried to be good. ...Please let me know what is happening to me."

But there it is. Hope. Starring me in the face and filling my heart. Maybe this really will be it this time.

63 comments:

Drowned Girl said...

Hi! Pleased to meet you... another DE blogger here, pregnant after a friend donated (London UK)

Hekateris said...

I wish you every success.

Drowned Girl said...

Have you seen:

http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?board=347.0

Many UK women travel to CZ for DE

x

Blythe Adams said...

I think that's where we are headed. We are in the process of finalizing our dates and it looks like Zlin is going to be the place.

hey - thank sso much for linking to my blog - I've created a link to yours as well- so much great information. I'm trying to add as I can - slowly but surely..:)

daisychain said...

Just linked to your blog today from the DG. I am another DE blogger, just had my day 3 transfer this morning. Link over and see me sometime.
Daisy

stacyb said...

hi.

I also just linked to your blog from DG. nice to read from another DE blogger. lots to think about in your posts...

DE was also not what i imagined for my husband and i but now i can't imagine anything else. my birth father died before i was one and while i have some of his genetics i am every inch my adopted fathers daughter.

we are currently pregnant through an anonymous donor.

Roni said...

I also found you through DG. I am a DE blogger as well, on the other side. I have a 10 month old son from DE, after going through years of infertility and a successful trip to South Africa. I was fortunate enough to be successful on my first DE try.

I also have a bio DS from when I was 25 and had good eggs. I can tell you, without any reservation, that I love my DE baby just as much as my bio son. I can't even begin to imagine how I could love a child more.

Keep your hope and faith. It will help carry you through. And I will pray for your success.

Kami said...

I understand what you are feeling so well. I think I have had the very same thoughts.

I have a goal when it comes to hope. I try to hope - and enjoy hoping - but still not feel like "this is it". I don't know if it helps, but I like to think that the hope I feel for a cycle is separate from the eventual outcome.

Still, it is hard not to recognize that being hopeful means you open yourself up for disappointment. And no being successful one cycle make it harder to believe in the next cycle. Still, I welcome hope as a reprieve from sadness and despair. Because maybe this time WILL work.

Good luck to you. I hope you can enjoy some hope while it is with you. May disappointment NOT follow this cycle.

minnie said...

i read this post when i am at my lowest...i have undergone ICSI with donor eggs ..the ET was 5 days ago ...what you have written are the same thoughts which go through my mind as i wait...the embryos were textbook quality...so if this fails the fault is all mine..after all the money spent , the efforts taken, my husband's unstinting support..what will i have to show at the end of the 2 week wait?

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