This is the first time I have even logged into the blog since my last post in January. It was harder than I thought - in fact - I didn't expect it to be an issue at all. I think it was difficult because I'm giving myself the go-ahead to talk about it all again.
One day last week I gasped for air. It's as if I had been under water for the past couple of months holding my breath. I have been praying and reading the bible and reading the words of people much smarter than me to try and get the courage to come up for air. I've been making a slow ascent for the past few weeks and last week I finally broke the surface and took a deep breath.
I have spent a lot of time lately reading and praying. I, of course, struggled to understand how God could continue to let me go through so much. To not answer the only personal pray I care about. Why am I not worthy enough to have what seems to be so easy for other people?
What I've learned is that my vision is distorted. This isn't punishment from God. I haven't failed to perform perfectly on some divine test (Performance runs through my veins - it drives me - trying to understands that God isn't honored by my intense level of performance in lieu of faith is easier said than done). It's also not a case of God choosing to sit this one out. He's still there and He's been there all along.
I simply can not make this happen on my own - on my terms and my time table. I very rarely lose a negotiation. I've never failed to get whatever it is that I desire. I've created a great career when others may have bet against me. I can afford the "stuff" that I think I want. I know how to make things happen. But - for the first time, I am out of my league. I can't do this. Working harder, being better, thinking smarter - nothing I do can make this happen. That's quite the revelation for someone like me.
For the past year, I haven't even stopped to think. I moved from one treatment to the other. 4 in a year. That's insane. I was going to make this happen with or without God. Lesson learned.
I've been unbelievably patient lately. This is completely out of character for me. I haven't sprinted toward the next option - I've waited and prayed and read and prayed and waited. I've prayed for a peace in knowing that God is here and hasn't forgotten me. I've prayed for my husband's grief. I've prayed for a change in my husband's heart. And you know what? God actually does answer my prayers when I let him.
I don't know that my prayer for a pregnancy will ever be answered. I do have a strong, peaceful confidence that my husband and I will have a child through adoption. I'm not pushing the subject which is also new for me. My husband has never been keen on adoption and refused to talk about it until a couple of weeks ago. I've just very slowly mentioned things - not pushing conversation and he's receptive. The difference this time is I'm not capitalizing on those opportunities to strong-arm him - I don't force the conversation - instead I pray. Then I wait. The most amazing thing has begun to happen. I see my husband softening - I see God working in him. It's pretty amazing to watch.
It's odd to me that people keep telling me I'm strong. All of my friends and family keep saying this to me and I feel like the weakest person. If I were strong I would have weathered this better. More gracefully. I wouldn't have been afraid to reach out to someone when I would lie there at night and pray not to wake up because the pain felt too great for me. I would have had a more solid faith - a faith that never withered but instead stood firm in the surety of God's love. I haven't been strong at all but I'm getting better day by day and after all of this or maybe because of all of this I am growing into a woman confident in her faith and a God who doesn't ever let me get too far away.
The day I read this verse in my study time I just stopped and cried. Who am I that God longs to show me grace and loving-kindness?
Isaiah 30:18 (Amplified Bible)
"And therefore the Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking, and longing] to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who [earnestly] wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him [for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship]!"
Isaiah 30:18 (New International Version)
"Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice.Blessed are all who wait for him!"
This time I am resolved to wait - to wait on God to do a great thing in our lives. If only I can pursue waiting with the fervor I pursue planning it all myself....