Friday, March 14, 2008

Reconciling My Faith

I know that my blog has not had a decidedly spiritual tone in the past and my posts are going to seem a bit out of place – but that’s simply reflective of this battle I’ve had with infertility, myself and my faith.

The hardest part for me through all that is infertility has been reconciling my faith with this disease. I've always believed that the deepest desires of our heart are placed their by God. Of course - some qualifiers should be put in place to check those desires - are they godly; what is the driving force- understanding why you desire something particular to ensure at the core the motives are truly good; not for selfish gain, etc etc.

The difficult part, for me, has been the fact that the one true desire of my heart is to be a mother - and I believe for mostly good and noble reasons. This is also the same for my husband. But - here we are. I'm left to wonder just where is God?

I simply can not change my belief that the deepest dreams or desires we have are laid there by the hand of God – to believe otherwise just doesn’t make sense in relation to all that I know God to be. Our vision for realizing those dreams, I am learning, is often different than God’s, however. After all – he doesn’t just give us a dream and check us off the list as completed just to move on to the next person.

In the process, for some of us, of even learning that we have a dream we get a glimpse of God and this grand story He is writing. We learn that we have a purpose and a role and we begin to shift our eyes toward a new source of significance. We begin to mold the core of who we are to more align with our dreams to enable fulfillment. That should inevitably leads us closer to God, if our dream has been given by Him.

Many of us – and I am a perfect example – rely only on ourselves – our own endurance, strength, intelligence and skill to move closer to fulfillment of our dream. But that’s not how it is supposed to be. We’ve gotten off course. Proverbs 3:5-6 “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” This verse is quoted so frequently and so often with empty intent behind it that I became numb to it. I didn’t give it the time and thought it requires. I, alone, can’t fulfill my dream in all the glory and splendor that God has planned by myself – I have to rely on Him.

I do not think that our attempts at IVF were wrong or trying to by-pass God’s will. There are plenty of people out there who try to make us feel guilty when we pursue infertility treatments – I promise I am not turning into one of those. I know that only God can give life regardless of the technology behind it and I knew that through every cycle – which was the root of my faith dilemma. But – this is God making my path straight, isn’t it?

God had to close every door for me to get me here. I had to use up all that I had in my own arsenal before I would stop and look for His vision of the dream He’s given me.

And so I wait. I am waiting for His direction. I don’t know how it will come but I know it will come. I know what is on my heart and I know that I have to wait for my husband’s heart to be changed. I believe that’s already begun.

Micah 7:7 (Amplified Bible)
“But as for me, I will look to the Lord and confident in Him I will keep watch; I will wait with hope and expectancy for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.”

42 comments:

midlife mommy said...

You know, I really kind of fell out of my relationship with God during my infertility treatments. I didn't feel as though He was talking with me or leading me anywhere. I was just flailing around. When I was agonizing over the DE decision, thinking that I was getting too close to doing something I wasn't intended to do, someone told me "honey, if it's not in His will, it ain't happening." That, and remembering that Jesus chose a doctor to be a disciple, gave me a bit of peace.

I'm glad that you are seeing the power of the Lord moving in your life.

The Gwench said...

I'm glad you're recovering from your loss. It sounds like you are deciding to be led on your path, wherever it may take you. My thoughts and prayers are with you in your journey.

ChelleBez said...

I have had times where I have a hard time understanding why God does things the way he does them too. Like why does he allow crack whores to have 15 kids knowing full well their chances of amounting to anything in this life are slim, yet people like you and I can't have kids when we would love them and care for them in ways welfare moms can't. It always angers me to see that people who can have kids and don't want them get them and beat them to death. It is unfathomable to me. Why can they have them and I can't? I don't know that I will ever be able to reconcile myself to that. However, I do try to be okay with the fact that maybe I am not meant to be anything more than a dog mom. Lately I haven't had a problem with that, and I've come to appreciate my life the way it is. I've decided I want to be happy with what I have instead of lamenting over what I want and don't have. That being said, I still occasionally reserve the right to be a tad bitter.

All we can do is trust that our lives are what they are supposed to be and will turn out the way they are supposed to turn out. I really do hope you find your balance and some inner peace. Do what makes you happy.

stacyb said...

glad to know you are figuring out how best to move forward on your life path and wishing that the way shows itself to you soon.

UFRV said...

Hi! I just discovered your blog, blogging around. I undestand how you might feel. I was there three or four years ago. Now I have my two year old girl, thanks to IVF.

I'm Catholic. I have also heard that we weren't doing the right thing, that we should let it be...

When I heard those comments I always wondered why these treatments are dealt with in a different way as other medical treatments to make life longer... We have a physical or phisiological problem and cannot get pregnant. What is wrong about trying to mend those physical or phisiological problems?

Only God can give life. You can give it a little push, like with IVF, but if it's not to be, it won't be. After several cycles, we all know that.

So hang in there, and reconcile yourself with God. HE knows what your motivations are. HE knows if this is for you. You only have to wait, and accept.

And what the rest of the world think THEY know about you, you shouldn't care less.

Good luck. Keep trying. God willing, it works.

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Ele Beattie said...

Hi Blythe,

Hope you are well. I have a request re one of your blog posts.

I work for a production company in the UK which makes radio programmes for the BBC. I am hoping to gain permission to use use an extract of your blog. This post in particular http://overhard.blogspot.com/2007/09/danger-of-hope.html


We would like to use an extract of one of your blog in a programme we make which broadcasts weekly on BBC Radio 4 and the BBC World Service, called "Something Understood".

The programme is best described as a spiritual anthology, which takes classic and sometimes little heard poetry, prose and music to explore a contemplative theme.

The producer is hoping to start making the programme this week and would love to include your blog, so it's a fairly urgent request. Is this a possibility?


Let me know if you have any questions.

All best,

Ele Beattie

ele.beattie@unqiue.com

http://www.ubcmedia.com/uniqueproductions/

Anna said...

Hi Blythe

By accident I heard your piece on BBC Radio 4 on Sunday night. I was very moved and understood.

I wonder how you are now? There's a whole bunch of us finding light and love and compassion and healing at The Fertile Heart community (fertileheart.com). You would be very much welcomed there, wherever you are in your journey.

Thank you for speaking out.

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